


A Hobby for a Robot

by Zhampy



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Gen, this is so silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 08:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12745116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zhampy/pseuds/Zhampy
Summary: Kiibo decides he needs something to do at night when everyone else is asleep. So he seeks the expertise of those at Hope's Peak.





	A Hobby for a Robot

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a little silly thing! I had all these disjointed character interactions rolling around in my head, so this fic became a thing. It's a non-despair AU set in Hope's Peak and all that usual stuff. This is really dumb.

Kaito was sat in their class dorm lounge later than usual that night. Sometimes he liked to sit up in the dead of night to watch the stars, though this night he was disturbed when someone else came into the room.

“You look glum. What's up, buddy?” he asked.

“I need a hobby,” Kiibo said. “Something to do at night when you're all asleep. I only need to charge once a week and it's lonely by myself every night.”

“Something to do with mechanics?”

Kiibo gave him the side-eye. “And why would you suggest that subject in particular?”

“Uhhhh.” Shiiiit, there was no single answer he could give that wouldn't offend the robot now. Goddamnit, Kiibo was too easily offended. He needed to grow some thicker skin. Or grow some skin at all! _Damnit_ , he can't say that _either!_ “Fuck,” he said.

“Kaito!?”

In the end he spent time helping Kiibo outline some possible hobby ideas before turning in for the night and leaving Kiibo alone yet again.

The next morning after a good few more hours pondering over the list, Kiibo felt oddly full of energy and very positive that this day would be very productive!

Most of the students at Hope's Peak had personalised their uniforms in some way and Kiibo was no exception. He chose to wear a high collar version of the school blazer and gloves to hide his obviously robotic features, and he also wore a hat to prevent his emotive antenna from giving away his emotions.

Before jumping head first into some random hobby he thought it might be best to gather some opinions from his fellow schoolmates, particularly those with related talents.

He looked at his to-do list and got ready for another day at Hope's Peak Academy.

… but first he had to find where Kokichi had hidden his hat.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- Singing  
\- Working with animals  
\- Additional studying  
\- Care work  
\- Literature  
\- Cooking  
\- Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab  
\- Art

**SINGING**

His first choice, Maizono the Ultimate Idol, would not even supply him with a response when he approached the subject to her. The girl looked quite uncomfortable until, who he supposed was her partner, Leon, shooed him away. So he went to find his second choice, Ibuki, the Ultimate Musician, who he found in the auditorium.

“Ibuki is so psyched to sing with a robot!” Ibuki whooped loudly, throwing up the horns. “So metal!!”

It was a nice feeling to have someone seem so excited about spending time with him.

“I got a gig at my nan's old folks home for her birthday!”

Oh, that would be quaint.

“AND it counts for out-of-school extra credit! How awesome, yeah! Let's get rollin'!””

“W-wait! Should I not audition first?”

“Nah, is cool! We gotta go now! Nana's not gonna last forevah!”

Still so early in the morning they went to the retirement home and performed a piece together. Before it was even over they were hurriedly and rudely ejected from the building.

“Totally awesome! Ibuki and Kiibo rocked the roof off!”

Kiibo was unconvinced as he saw paramedics scrambling. “I think someone may have died...”

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- Working with animals  
\- Additional studying  
\- Care work  
\- Literature  
\- Cooking  
\- Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab  
\- Art

**ADDITIONAL STUDYING**

Maybe the wisest course of action was to spend his free time brushing up on his studies instead, as boring as that was. His grades were fairly mediocre and he had to make his creator proud! Ishimaru, the Ultimate Moral Compass, studied hard. All day, everyday. Kiibo honestly couldn't keep up. Ishimaru had become such an efficient student that he seemed inhumanly productive. Almost like he was a, well… a… almost like a…

“Are YOU a robot!?” Kiibo shouted that day.

“That's offensive!” Ishimaru shouted back.

“Whaat!!”

“I'm writing you a detention slip for robophobic remarks!”

“Huuhwhaaa!?”

“All students at this academy are equal, and must be treated with equal respect! I will not tolerate offensive stereotypical remarks about a fellow student!”

“B-but I'm the...”

“I am very disappointed, Kiibo. This is behaviour I never would have expected from you. This study session is over! Don't be late for detention!”

Ishimaru handed him his little detention slip and gathered up all his supplies and left the library with a purpose. The librarian was looking at Kiibo with a disapproving stare. He just sat there at the table looking sad and confused.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- Working with animals  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- Care work  
\- Literature  
\- Cooking  
\- Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab  
\- Art

**WORKING WITH ANIMALS**

“Fuhahaha! So the Four Dark Devas have delivered unto me the steel casket of the Underlord!”

Was how Gundham, the Ultimate Breeder, greeted him when he entered the lab.

“Sorry, what?”

Gundham struck a pose as if his hand had a mind of its own and he was fighting it. “To what have I, the Supreme Overlord of Ice, done to receive a visit from an automaton of mortal creation?”

“What?”

“Have you reached out to one such as I to discuss the foolish sins of the mortals that surround us?”

“Huh?”

Maybe he should just say what he had come here for.

“I'm trying to find a subject that interests me, and I think animals are cute. Would you mind if I helped for a while?”

“Indeed,” Gundham smiled. “Then I would appreciate the assistance of an invincible knight from future-times!”

Unfortunately all the animals were terrified of him. The one exception being a fat, ginger cat using him as a scratching post. It only took the third kick from a goat for him to reconsider this as a possible hobby. Gundham was also upset with him because a dog had chipped some teeth when it bit his arm. At least he _thought_ Gundham was upset; he still had absolutely no idea what that guy was saying at any point.

Also he kept giving the poodle static shocks and now its fur was standing on end like it had been struck by lighting multiple times.

Maybe it was for the best to move onto the next idea before he unintentionally injured all the animals in the lab.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- Care work  
\- Literature  
\- Cooking  
\- Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab  
\- Art

**COOKING**

Before he could even make it to the Chefs Lab he ran into the Ultimate Cook himself outside. He was invited enthusiastically in after he explained his intentions. They both swiped their students IDs to record their movements just as the school required. Cooking would be simple. So what if he couldn't taste; he could smell just fine. Just follow the given instructions and everything would come out as intended. He expressed his opinions to Teruteru very passionately.

“I like your enthusiasm! But first I have to ask,” Teruteru sidled up to him. “Are you a boy or a girl?”

“Well... I'm a robot. Everyone labels me male and that's fine.”

“It's just I noticed your ID is purple, not pink or blue...”

“Yes, it works everywhere...” He wasn't sure what this had to do with cooking and Teruteru was looking a bit flushed.

“Hmmhmm, so you can go into the girls toilets!”

“I don't go into any of the restrooms!” He looked scandalised.

“But in theory you could? And you have cameras in your eyes, yeaaaah? If you wanted to go in there and catch some spicy footage for me…!” Teruteru looked excitedly at him with small sparkling eyes and a nosebleed.

He blushed right up to his headphone-ears. “That is highly inappropriate!”

“C'mon, Kiibo, my friend! I'll teach you how to create mouthwatering world-class dishes if you only help out your friendly, local pervert with this one small thing!”

“I-I won't do it! No means no and that's final!” He stood there looking at the floor with a bright red face and hands fisted in his apron.

They didn't do a single thing related to cooking.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- Care work  
\- Literature  
\- ~~Cooking~~  
\- Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab  
\- Art

**CARE WORK**

He found the Ultimate Nurse, Mikan, in the medical bay as expected. When he arrived he had to untangle her from a mess of IV drips she had become trapped in. Mikan was profoundly grateful and embarrassed, almost on her knees professing her thanks. It made him a bit uncomfortable to have someone grovelling in such a manner, but he helped clean up the mess and then got to the point of his visit.

“The first Rule of Robotics states that a robot must never hurt a human,” Kiibo was lecturing Mikan, who was listening worriedly. “So the logical conclusion is that I should help humans!”

“Oh, y-yes, th-thank you! I a-appreciate the h-help,” Mikan bowed.

“… although I think I may have killed someone already...”

“H-huh!?”

“N-no… I’m sure they were fine. There were plenty of paramedics there...” he said more to reassure himself than anything else.

“W-well, I think I have the p-perfect job for you,” Mikan said. “I-it's Sports Day today, s-so a lot of students w-will get h-hurt today. You're a r-robot, so you're s-strong, right?”

Kiibo looked troubled. “Um, about that...”

But he didn't have the heart, literally, to deny Mikan when she finally looked sort of, vaguely, maybe happy about something. He was also happy to be useful to people. Unfortunately for everyone involved his first patient was 'Byakuya', who had stumbled at the first hurdle of the first race. He wasn't really sure what happened when he and Mikan tried to move the Ultimate Imposter other than a searing pain through his back and then nothing.

Later that day he came out of the Mechanics Lab feeling cleaner, lighter and somewhat violated.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- ~~Care work~~  
\- Literature  
\- ~~Cooking~~  
\- ~~Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab~~  
\- Art

**TUTORING**

It was out of the norm in his little quest for a hobby that he were to be approached. But he was, and by the Ultimate Programmer, Chihiro, no less. Unlike Miu and Kazuichi (who shared the Mechanics Lab), the Ultimate Programmer, despite being lumped into their general 'technology' bracket, was perfectly polite and refrained from creeping on him. So he was happy to help.

“You're a more advanced AI than Alter Ego,” she was explaining to him. “So if you could I’d like you to tutor him!”

He sat with Alter Ego's laptop in front of him and greeted his fellow AI. “Hello, Alter Ego!”

“Hello, Kiibo!” the AI greeted back, wearing Chihiro's face. “I want to ask you something. I want to know what's it's like to be able to walk around with people.”

Chihiro gasped and clapped her hands silently, happy that Alter Ego was developing curiosity. Kiibo looked back to the laptop.

“Ah, circumstances as they are I can't remember my pre-body days so I can't compare my experiences with yours. Living with people is certainly an enlightening experience. However, It has also made me aware of my own mortality; I’m told that I no longer fit into the supercomputer back home, so if this body breaks beyond repair that will be the end of me. This is a real human fear, I suppose.”

“So you experience real human emotions...” Alter Ego paused for a moment. “I have been programmed to behave the way that I do, but you are not programmed to do anything?”

“When you phrase it like that it sounds rather depressing. No, I’m not programmed to do anything. I developed this personality myself! I wonder if I reset, though my body would remain the same, would my AI become a different person...”

“I think it is your memories and experiences in life that define who you are as a sentient bring. If you developed in a different environment you would become a different person. I think you should be happy with who you are right now.”

“Yes, you're right! Thank you, Alter Ego!”

Chihiro coughed. “Kiibo, you're supposed to tutor Alter Ego, not the other way around.”

“Oh. Right.”

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES  
** \- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- ~~Care work~~  
\- Literature  
\- ~~Cooking~~  
\- ~~Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab~~  
\- Art  
\- ~~Tutoring~~

**LITERATURE**

One unexpected existential crisis averted, he returned to the library. Keeping an eye out to avoid Ishimaru he searched for his next target and found Toko in a dark, secluded corner trying to keep to herself. He took some random books from a shelf and decided this was a good time to intrude. They didn't get off to a great start.

“Y-you hate me, don't you? Don't lie!” Toko accused him.

“What? No, of course not! I barely know you and I’m not good at lying.”

“But if you did know me you'd h-hate me, right?”

“I don't think so. I don't hate anyone.” Not even Kokichi.

“S-so, you… like me? And you want to be alone with me?” Toko blushed. “That's lewd! W-what are you going to d-do to me!?”

“Huh? I'd just like your opinion as the Ultimate Writing Prodigy!” As if to try proving his intentions he brushed off the dust from the random books he'd picked up.

Toko sneezed and then things got uncomfortable.

“Ehehe, and what's this?” Toko's whole demeanour changed. “Toko having secret rendezvous with a cute boy—oh, you're not Master Byakuya!”

She leered at him closely, looking him deeply in the eyes, clicking her fingernails on the table and breathing heavily. He was too shocked to move.

“U-um, are you okay…?”

“I wonder what colour _your_ blood would be?”

“UM!”

“If you were a real boy I’d totally add you to my tally, kyahaha!” Her tongue snaked out.

“I have to go!”

He fled the library.

 **POSSIBLE HOBBIES**  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- ~~Care work~~  
\- ~~Literature~~  
\- ~~Cooking~~  
\- ~~Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab~~  
\- Art  
\- ~~Tutoring~~

**DETENTION**

When he arrived at detention he handed his slip to Ishimaru who took it without looking up from a book. Looking around the room he noticed Leon from earlier and Teruteru too, and some other guy with huge hair arguing with a loud brunette girl. He also noticed Kokichi in the back.

He took a seat at the opposite end of the room from Kokichi, but he soon heard a chair scrape across the floor and noticed Kokichi had moved into the seat next to him. He was currently scooting his desk over to connect with Kiibo's.

“Woooow, Kiiboy! We have _got_ to stop meeting like this. People will get the wrong idea, nee-heehee!” Kokichi grinned.

“Hello, Kokichi.” He wanted to sigh. “How are you?”

“I've got detention, Kiiboy!”

Not feeling it necessary to reply he took out his hobby list. By now it had become crumpled and messy from repeated use, so he smoothed it out on the table. That was a mistake as Kokichi snatched it away.

“What's this? Your instruction manual?”

“Ah! Give that back!”

He wilted under Ishimaru's stern glare and replied again more quietly.

“Kokichi, please. It's just a list of hobbies I’m trying.”

“Hobbies? I can help with that!” Kokichi took out a pen and began scribbling on the list.

“I'm almost done, I don't need your help, please...” Kiibo pleaded.

“How about… you become a space heater for stray cats!”

“Animals don't seem to like me much.”

“Oh, that's horrible,” Kokichi said with fake sincerity and crossed off what he just wrote. “Then you could be a litter tray for house cats!”

“Khgh!” He had to restrain himself from taking the bait. “You really like cats, don't you Kokichi?”

“I hate them!” That was a lie.

After some time, eventually Ishimaru signalled that detention was over and everyone in the room rushed out getting themselves stuck in the doorway. He snatched his hobby list back from Kokichi, who frowned.

“I'll walk back to the dorms with you!” Kokichi said.

“No, thank you.”

 _*_ _~_ _*_ _~_ _*_ _~_ kiiboy's~ _*_ _~_ _*_ _~_ _*_ **  
**POSSIBLE HOBBIES :^)  
\- ~~Singing~~  
\- ~~Work~~ ~~ing~~ ~~with animals~~  
\- ~~Additional studying~~  
\- ~~Care work~~  
\- ~~Literature~~  
\- ~~Cooking~~  
\- ~~Staying FAR AWAY from the Mechanics Lab~~  
\- Art  
\- ~~Tutoring~~  
\- ~~space kiiter kiiter tray <3~~  
=(^-^)=

**ART**

He took the long way around and it was dark by the time he got back to their class dorms where he found Angie. He wasn't actually looking for her at that time but why not cross off another item from the list when the opportunity presented itself? The Ultimate Artist was sitting at the table in the lounge area with Kaito. He brought up the subject to Angie who seemed ecstatic to possibly have another painting buddy.

“I can show you examples of my early art right now!” he offered.

“Ooh, please do, please do~” Angie sang happily.

He paused for a moment, searching for the appropriate memory, then produced a faint 'whirring' noise as he printed out an image. He took the picture from his mouth and handed it to Angie.

“What the fresh hell is this nightmare material!?” Kaito shrieked.

It was a picture of a photo turned psychedelic mess. Imagery merged and swirled into eachother. Faces inside of faces inside of dog-faces. Multiple eyes in every detail. More dog-faces. A terrifying example of early machine learning.

“That's my early AI artwork! Apparently I had a thing for dogs back then.”

“Hmm-hmm~” Angie was studying the picture carefully. “This appears to be the artwork of the devil. But don't worry, through Atua's divine will I can exorcise you! You need only donate a pint of blood!”

“But I don't have any blood...” Kiibo replied worriedly.

“Oh. Then I cannot allow demons in my studio. Once you've been purged of evil maybe then we can art together, ya-hahaha~”

“Uhhh...” He frowned, his eyes wobbling in a genuinely upset manner. The final straw that broke the robot's back (again) in this terrible day. He ran out of the room before he made any humiliating noises.

“Christ, I’m not gonna sleep well tonight,” Kaito said and shuddered.

After he ran out of the dorms he left the academy campus altogether and found himself aimlessly wandering around town in the dark, generally feeling sorry for himself. He could hear loud noises and some shouting and laughing in the distance gradually getting closer. A cluster of bright lights suddenly bore down on him, throwing his sensors into a confused panic. His eyes couldn't adjust quickly enough before something of great force struck him with a loud crash, sending him rolling down the pavement.

“Eyaaahh!!”

He came to a stop before rolling down an embankment and into a river. Laying face down on the ground he could sense some people approach him. But it had been such a terrible day so far that he couldn't muster the energy to care or move anymore. The men around him started shouting.

“Oh, shit, dude! We are fucked!”

“Takeo, you GODDAMN MORON!”

“What do we do with the body?”

“Toss it in the river, it'll be fine!”

“We'll need to weigh it down first. Get those weights out of your bike, man.”

“Fuck off, my best weights!? Use your own shit, this is your idea!”

“I'm not the one who hit a guy, dumbass!”

“IDIOTS! EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! We ain't tossin' no body into no river!” an authoritative voice shouted.

“Please don't throw me in the river,” Kiibo all but sobbed. “I'm having a bad day and I can't swim.”

“Holy shit, he's alive!”

“Fuckin' how!? He got hit HARD!”

“What'd I fuckin' tell ya!” the loudest voice said.

Someone grabbed the back of his blazer and lifted him to his feet easily.

“You're a heavy little guy,” the loud person said.

Kiibo looked around at the scene, noticing the trashed bike that had hit him. It looked quite bent at an angle it shouldn't be. He probably had a sizeable dent in him too, under his clothes.

“I apologise. My charge is low and my lights aren't working. I should be more alert to my surroundings, especially at night.”

“Yer apologisin' for gettin' hit by a bike?”

“Well, I appear to have broken it,” he pointed to the ruined vehicle.

One of the guys laughed. “Wow, your bike is TOTALLED, dude.”

“Deserved, in my opinion,” a second said.

“You guys fuckin' suck,” Takeo grumbled.

Kiibo then looked down at his ruined uniform and tried futilely to smarten it up. One of the bikers noticed.

“That's a Hope's Peak uniform, hah?” he asked.

“Yes, my name is K1-B0. I’m the Ultimate Robot.”

“Aha!” The loud one grinned. “Name's Mondo, Ultimate Biker Gang Leader!”

“That explains how you took that hit like a champ.”

“Duuude, hahaha, you almost killed one of Mondo's friends!”

“Shhhhut the fuck up, bruh!” Takeo said.

“Hold up! You're the newbie Taka gave detention to!” Mondo realised. “If I’da gone to detention I’da met ya already!”

“Taka?”

“Oh, Ishimaru! My bro! You know him! Anyways, I’m sorry dumbass Takeo hit ya. Yer lookin' okay tho. Not gonna report it to the cops are ya?”

“Ummm...” It was quite intimidating having so many big guys surrounding him. “No?”

“Hell yeah!” Mondo threw an arm around him and crushed him to his body in what Kiibo assumed was some sort of macho embrace. “You're now an honoury member of the Crazy Diamonds!”

“Seriously?” one of the guys said. “First the hall monitor and now a robot? This gang is getting weirder every night.”

* * *

 

“ _You joined a biker gang!?_ ” Kaito had expected many things that night, but not this.

“Yes! And I got a tattoo! Well, actually it's just a decal to stick on my back. But it's really cool, right?”

“I-I-I-what!?”

“Also I realised all of our ideas were not evening activities. But this is! So now I won't be lonely at night anymore! Even when Mondo is away the group is large enough that there is always something to do.”

“Mondo!? That guy? How the hell did you fall in with these people?”

“Kiiboy popped his delinquent cherry,” Kokichi cackled.

“I don't understand what that means,” Kiibo said. “But I’m going to call the Professor with the news! Maybe he'll send me a bike!” He hurried off looking too excited about everything.

“What the hell...” Kaito was lost for words.

“Next he'll be huffing electric during class and injecting oil from a cheap gas station, nee-heehee!”

“Am _I_ high right now?”

**Author's Note:**

> Kiibo's childhood artwork is the same creepy shit the Google Deep Dream AI produced. Think about that! I also wanted to do a bit about photography, but I literally cannot remember a thing about Mahiru, lol. Anyway, I think I’ve abused Kiibo enough this fic. I really do love precious Hopebot. Despite being peak silly, I do hope you enjoyed!


End file.
